0 and whispers hopes of better tomorrows

I feel pretty horrible for not updating like I was supposed to. This is not unusual for me. Right now, I feel so scatter brained it's not even funny. There's so much I want to do, but I have this weird...I don't know how to explain it. It's not like a lack of motivation, per se, but just this weird overwhelming feeling of how am I going to get all of this done.



I've been organized. I'm not kidding. I promise. But right now, things just kind of seem a mess. I feel like I'm failing at everything, and suddenly I'm not caring. I'm not really sure why. I almost wonder if it's the upped dose of Lamictal, but I'm not even sure about that. I just kind of feel blank, and almost, I guess I could say, depressed. But not in a sad mood. Usually when I get like this, I will sit and cry and cry about it and do the whole pity party thing, but this time, I'm just...numb, I guess you could say. I can feel the tears starting to form, and suddenly, their gone. I don't know what's wrong with me. =(

What I do know is that this place is a disaster, I haven't heard back from the financial department about my appeal, and I don't know when or if I'll even be able to get in to school. I'm so disappointed with myself. I'm afraid the mistakes I made 6 years ago are catching up to me, and now there's nothing else I can do about it. All of my mistakes have been like this.

I keep wasting time on things that don't matter. I'll spend hours looking up information on one thing, and then turn around and do nothing. And seriously. Nothing. I just kind of lay here and think, mostly about nothing. Heh. Kinda feels blank, void, empty, and that's pretty much all the words I can think of. I could always go to the thesaurus. I better not...

And I feel like my getting distracted is getting worse and worse. For instance: Yesterday, I was on my way to go get a friend of mine to take him back to the party I was at. On the way there, I realized it was time to take my meds again, but I wanted to make sure. I knew that I had sent a text message to somebody letting them know I was on my way to the party the first time, and so I was going to read the text. The forgot. Started driving, forgot what song it was I wanted to hear, then remembered I needed to read that text. Then, later that night, I was leaving said party, and I had asked if I could take a piece of cake with me. After almost walking out the door 4-5 times without it, I FINALLY remembered, after being reminded all of those 5 times that I tried to walk out the door without it. I got home, couldn't remember if my DS was in my purse or not...

I'm forgetting words all the time. I'll go to say something, and then not remember the word for it. Then I'll have to ask somebody, "You know, that word that kind of sounds like this word, but it means this, and..." I know it gets frustrating to me, I can't imagine what people start thinking of me. And it's not like I can blame it on the weed. I can't blame it on anything. It feels like my brain is slowly rotting away and what will be left is this empty hole where some creative, intelligent person once lived.

Speaking of creativity, it's also something I haven't done in years. I haven't written a song, a poem, even a simple limerick, since just after high school. I just read some of the stuff I wrote...Meh. It sucked then as well. There's just no point.

It's not that I don't see a point in living...Just hard to see where this is headed. This mess in my head, my house, my life.

This is depressing. Sorry.