0 It's been a while again.

I just feel like I need to type, to get some feelings out or something. I've been going through weird fits. Last night was bad, and it's like it goes in cycles. Some days I feel normal. What is normal? Normal is not feeling agitated. Normal is when I'm not feeling insane. This week I'm feeling a little insane. It could be from quitting smoking, but for some reason I doubt that because I'm still in-taking nicotine. I have average days when I don't feel like being at work, even though I love my job. I have average days when I'm a little pissed off at things that are bothering me. Yesterday was not normal, nor was it even a bit in my average. I threw things around, yelled at my boyfriend, then threw myself in the bed while sobbing...Because I couldn't find something. It's irrational. Today, I don't want to be here. I want to go home and get distracted on the internet, do something that keeps my mind off whatever it is my mind is doing. I don't want to do homework. I don't want to clean the house. I don't want to go anywhere. I say I want to go places like visiting my mom and I still sometimes write out plans of what I want to accomplish (cleaning, homework). But really deep down inside, if I could just do nothing and be satisfied I'd do it. In this weird way, it's like I wouldn't mind being dead right now, but it would suck when I decide that being dead is boring and it's time to do something different, oh hey wait I'm dead. So, nah, dying isn't an option. But I don't know what it is. Everything in me is pissed off at everything. I want to be left alone, but I don't want to be alone. Why am I so mad at everything? Why can't I just feel happy and focused? I'm not focused, I'm distracted. On everything and nothing. I don't want to do anything, but I need to do something. =(