0 I don't want me either.

It's a downward spiral.  I want to do something about it all but I'm tired, I don't have the time.  I could find the time, but what about the energy?  I'm actually questioning my existence.  I'm always just going to be some fucked up person that doesn't do anything for herself.  I'm a mess, I procrastinate everything, I barely accomplish anything.  And now my leg is messed up so it's too hard to even get up and do shit for too long before I'm so tired I just need to sit down.  My weight just keeps going up, my boyfriend is definitely losing interest in me.  I don't fucking blame him anymore.  I don't want me either.  And it gets to this point with EVERY o33ne of them.  Every significant other I've had...Just not enough.  He wants the best for me though...He wants me to stay on track with things, do what's right for myself.  I just don't do it.  I never do it.  I don't know if I'm even capable of doing it.  I'm doing better in school, caught up with things.  Grades are alright.  I quit playing so many games online.  League of legends has took a back burner to minecraft which I've become less interested in.  Because I have no motivation.  I have no will to say "I'm going to do this today.  I know I can."  Because, I've said it too much before, and realize it's all a lie.  I make lists of shit I need to do, just to find them months later realizing I just made the SAME GOD DAMN LIST 5 MINUTES AGO.  The same one.

I don't blame him.  I don't blame him if he doesn't want me.  Move all the way from Ohio just to find out I'm a slobby fat piece of shit that doesn't care about herself.  He thought I had a drive.  He thought that because I was in school going for something I wanted to do, that I had the motivation to do it.  Maybe that's his fault for assuming he knew me based on that, but I really was fucking trying.  And am now, but NOW that I'm working on school extra hard EVERYTHING ELSE FALLS APART,  WHY can't I have some sort of balance?  I'm such a fucking miserable human being, I swear.  I thought him getting this job would be better for both of us, and so far I don't know if I was right...It looks to be about the same, but now I don't have the alone time to clean the house.  But I do!  I do in the morning, but I forget, or I'm trying to wake up, so I'm wrapped up in my blanket drinking my coffee surfing imgur, or reading facebook.  I really can't blame him for not being interested in me anymore.  I'm a fucking crazy mess and...I don't know what I would do with out him...I don't have a strong enough job to support me living by myself, I'm not moving back with my parents...I'm so afraid he's going to leave me.  =(  I don't want him to leave...I love him. I'd say I wish he knew how much, but I don't know if he cares...He doesn't care much about anything anymore...I don't know how we're going to make it for the rest of our lives...I don't think he can really stand me..I sure as fuck can't stand me.