0 Day 4

I know you're thinking "Where's the first 3 days?!"... Well...you already know. I forgot. And actually decided to do this as an after thought.

I started Concerta 4 days ago, and I can't really say much for it. I have noticed a small difference, but, it's definitely not Adderall by any means. Heh. I don't know, I guess it's just that the Adderall seemed to give me some sort of motivation. This medication definitely gives me the focus I'm looking for, but obviously not the motivation that I need. I'm also still getting distracted a little too easy. Which is a little contradictory to what I just said about it helping my focus. I really don't know how to explain it. It's hard to tune people out. I'm still clumsy as ever, forgetting things, and losing everything I need at any given moment. It's really frustrating.

I talked to my pdoc about getting frustrated over the losing things, and she said that it's a part of my ADHD. I'm not sure I believe her, but at the same time, I really haven't been on the forums enough to know, nor am I comfortable again with asking. I really am sick of losing things. I go to look for something and it's gone. As I'm frantically looking for this said thing, I'm getting angrier and angrier to the point of screaming "IT CAN'T BE FUCKING NOWHERE!" because it has to be somewhere, amirite?! I'm just so done with losing everything. And it's not that I don't eventually find it at some point in time. And sometimes I actually find it when I need it. But it's just the initial losing of the thing that gets me the most. Then I end up punching walls and getting pissed off and yeah.

I'm repeating myself.

I took the Concerta around 2pm. It is now almost 3:30am. I can definitely tell that it doesn't last all day, but she also put me on the lowest miligram. I want to up it pretty bad right now to see if it actually does something for me, but I don't want to run out before I'm supposed to. And on top of that, it's a $25 drug WITH my insurance. Which sorta pisses me off. I'm almost tempted just to ask to go back on the Adderall or something. But I know that wouldn't be a good thing.

On Adderall, I felt like the world was mine and I was going to take it and put it in it's proper folder that was color coded with paper clips into a filing cabinet, neatly next to all the other worlds I live in that are also color coded and intricately organized so that I can find everything I need when I need it. I was manic. Overboard. To much, to fast, not enough time to get everything done. I loved it. I hated it. I cried one minute, and then laughed my ass off the next. And then the next hour I'd be biting my SO's head off about absolutely nothing.

So I think there's hope for this Concerta. I'm going to keep on with it and see what happens. I have 3 more days and I can up the dosage. We're going to be out of cigarettes tomorrow. I'm probably going to die.