) I wrote the following around January of this year. It's not up to date, and I have excluded names due to the fact I originally posted it on my blog at a forum I frequent. It's really long, and I'll be surprised if it's read all the way through by anybody. But it's nice to just get it out there.Every time I begin to tell this story, I get overwhelmed. I just want to warn you in advance, this is my life story; so obviously, it’s very, very long…My whole life I have dealt with one mental problem or another. Sometimes I feel as if maybe they are self-inflicted. Not in the sense that I decided that's what's going to be wrong with me, but more of making the wrong choices to get to where I am. It has always been a constant struggle through-out my life to just make it. I'm always just barely making it. This is my story.
My dad started reading to me when I was about 2. I loved to listen to stories, even as a toddler. By the time I was about 3, I began to learn how to read. Once Kindergarten rolled around, I was fluent in reading any of the first step Dr. Seuss books. We had a show-and-tell the first week and I brought my favorite book "Are You My Mother?" and read it to the class. My mom tells me that it was my decision to bring the book, so I don't feel my parents pushed me into it. My kindergarten teacher was so impressed; she called my parents to talk about having me promoted to the 1st grade reading level. I was excited! I played a lot of learning software on the computer and had a teacher all to myself. I did extremely well, until 3rd grade rolled around...
3rd grade, I was placed with a teacher that was formally a 6th grade teacher that decided to teach 3rd grade. My parents were a little skeptical about the whole thing because they didn't know if she would be able to adjust to elementary school children. They talked to her at open house and explained my situation. She said that there was no way I was ready for the 4th grade reading, and said she would have me read other books and take comprehension test. The book she wanted to me read, I swear was "Go Ask Alice" but, honestly can't remember. I know it was in diary form and was about a young girl. I also recall asking my mom something about the book and she found out what the story was about. She was livid, called my 3rd grade teacher and they put me back into the 3rd grade reading level. My teacher said "If she can pass it once, she should have no problem passing it a second time." Gr. So of course, I became extremely bored with it, and didn't do my homework. I was failing until the last 9 weeks. I don't know what happened then, but somehow I got my *** in gear and made straight A's.
By the time 4th grade rolled around, I was one of those kids that had to have their agenda signed by their parents to confirm they knew about my homework and that I completed it. I think I was the only kid in class. Actually, as I recall, I had my own special folder with all the homework assignments written down for me. Talk about embarrassment.
As time went on, 5-8th grade, I just squeezed through. I did whatever I could to get by and pass. I didn't even care at this point. I think I may have tried in 6th to get A/B honor-roll (and did it half of the year), but again, just didn't care by the end of the year. I hated school. Actually, I lie, I loved school, I hated homework. And cleaning my room. (heh.) I joined the band in the 6/7th grade and picked up the clarinet. I loved it, and loved music. It was new and exciting, and I was so happy to find something that didn't bore me to death.
9th grade, my mother found a note in my pocket and found out that I had a crush on my best friend (Actually, I thought she had a crush on me...) and she and my dad decided to take me out of the public school system so they could monitor who I was hanging out with. I was also in a deep depression by this age and had already taken up self-mutilation. It came up once amongst the arguing and crying and I got a hug and told not to do it again. Wow...
Being home-schooled was probably one of the worst ideas my parents ever had. My mom actually admits to her error now. It wasn't like she was sitting down with me and teaching. No, they bought some Christian software (Alpha&Omega) and just made me sit there all day. I'm sure you know how hard it is to sit and stare at a computer screen all day trying to actually learn something that you have absolutely NO INTEREST in. I could recall a few spelling/vocab words, I don't remember any of my history, and my math...Well, at this point I had figured out the shortcuts on the software to get back to the desktop, turn on the vacuum as if I was actually going to vacuum the dining room, and start the dial-up. I would sit online for hours in forums, chat rooms, looking up anime and games, etc. Wasting my time with something I thought was interesting.
When I turned 15, my mom told me that I couldn't get my restricted license until I caught up in my math. I love math, I just need an actual instructor instructing me. Not a stupid computer screen. I didn't care if I got my license or not, that just gave me even more reason to skip math. I started to get depressed about not being around my friends (I was forbidden to see them) and the only activities I participated in were Girl Scouting (Still to this day) and Church (not so much...).
The next year, I was put back in public school. I don't remember everything that happened this year, but I know it was rough. I was still self-mutilating, and on top of it, found unhealthy ways to lose weight. Not that losing weight was unhealthy for me; I've always been in the "obese" category. My mom found out (again) about my cutting and eating disorder and took me to the doctor about it. They recommended a few different psychologists. I saw some lady at a Christian mental-health facility (my mom wanted to make sure whoever I saw was a Christian instead of finding out any real information) and the Dr/pastor/whatever said there was nothing wrong with me. My mom was furious at this point and took me to about 3 more psychologists. The last one I stayed at for about 2 months until the doctor hinted that she sensed possible bi-polar personality disorder. My parents both thought bi-polar was a catch-all and cancelled further appointments.
As a last resort, I went back to our family pediatrician. It was a large (well, large for a small town) facility and my doctor recommended a specific doctor there. So, they scheduled my appointment, and he said he wanted both of them there as well. I remember answering a lot of questions about if I was called "lazy and unmotivated", if I felt bored all the time. He also asked my parents about my different habits. I think they were just stressed out at this point. (Let me point out here that I am the oldest of 3 children; my mom always said, "It's not like you came with a hand-book!") The doctor finally at the end of the appointment stated, "I don't want to diagnose her with anything right off because I feel it's just a label, but let’s try this medication and see how it goes". This medication just so happened to be Adderall.
Adderall was the most amazing thing that happened to me that year. I was on top of the world. A little manic at times, but loved life, school, cleaning, you name it. My parents noticed the change and I was kept on it. After a while, of course, I grew a tolerance and things started going back to the way they were before. My parents threatened to take me off of my meds, and I would freak out and get things done. It's like I still didn't have that push unless somebody threatened me with something I didn't like. (Which is how most of my life has been). Nothing major happened from here until I graduated besides my "firsties"(kiss, boyfriend, etc. hehe) and I would like to mention that I had switched instruments about 3-4 times in band. I loved to pick one up, learn it enough to be able to read the music and play at the same time, learn a few scales, then put it down and pick up another one. (It all sounds redundant at this point, right?)
I barely graduated and got a job at our local pharmacy. There's only one in the town I lived in, and luckily for me, the head pharmacist went to our church and knew my parents. I have to say I loved working at the pharmacy. I loved helping people, counting out prescriptions, running insurance, and my favorite thing to do was to sort the scripts by prescription number. Also, I loved reading the giant pharmacy "bible" when I was bored. I loved my job as a whole. I was also, still seeing the same doctor, still getting my Adderall (XR. I think I forgot to mention this) I think by this point I was at 40mg in the morning, and 10-30mg throughout the day as needed.
I got my license by the time I was 19, and decided it was party time. Nothing spectacular, just liked to hang out and drink on occasion. One night I was asked to be home at 12am, decided I wasn't going to, and got kicked out of the house. This was my first time living outside of my parents' roof. I was lucky to have a friend that was still living in his old house that his mother was renting out to him. So I moved in with him and started paying rent there. I never saved any money when I was actually living with my parents for free, so I still had no budgeting skills. I had started college in January, and was trying to juggle my part-time pharmacy job, just 3 classes at school, and spending my money on irresponsible things.
A friend of mine told me about a call center position; working at a call center, they really don't care what you look like as long as you hold up quality on the phones. I quit the pharmacy and got the job working at the call center. I dyed my hair pink, got my lip pierced, and partied it up. I continued seeing my doctor for my script (HAD to have my Adderall. I was extremely dependant), but was not really getting any therapy. Unfortunately for me, my doctor left the office and I got a new dr. Dr. Livingston (I presume...XD). Well, she said I was being prescribed well over the limit and she wouldn't do it. I begged and pleaded for just one more month and she gave in. But that was it. No more Adderall.
I can't remember everything that happened after this. I was drinking a lot, going to a lot of parties, sleeping around, and being extremely reckless. I got kicked out of my friend's house (because I was behind in rent) and ended up moving back in with my parents. I ended up taking an overnight shift (Ooooooooh my parents hated that I worked overnights and slept all day! Lmfao!) and it was pretty awesome. My coach(boss) was extremely understanding of my problems concentrating. I mean, can you imagine sitting with a phone attached to your head staring at a computer screen all day? It was difficult at times, but within the 3 years that I worked there (longest job I ever had) not only was I doing pretty good at my metrics, I also learned how to crochet, worked on my art work and made a whole band out of pipe cleaners. And it was all because of this coach. (I made the pipe cleaner band for her ^_^) While I was on the team, one of the guys I knew and had spoken to started talking to me more. It actually started because he noticed I had Jewel on the play list (he's a softie). After a 3-some/dying hair party with his girlfriend, we seemed to be clicking more and more. We ended up dating not even a week after everything.
About a month after meeting him, a friend of mine said she had an extra room that she would be willing to rent out for pretty cheap. I ended up moving all of my stuff there and basically living with my boyfriend. They ended up telling me that they were moving out (this is after a couple months) and that I needed to get my stuff out of the house. I kept putting it off and putting it off because it didn't seem too important. I went by the first time and it was locked. The next time I went (a couple weeks later) all of my stuff was gone. This was everything from high school, my diaries, my sketch pads, clothes, and shoes. Still to this day I get angry at myself for forgetting to make that one thing important. It's hard losing things.
I lose everything. My keys, my wallet, anything. I'm really good at making something lost, if not forever, at least until I'm tearing things apart looking for them.
After losing all my things, I decided to just start over with my boyfriend. I was still pretty reckless. Both of us were horrible with money. I liked to party, he didn't (or when he did, it was overboard...and there's a side of him I just didn't like). I started getting, I guess you could say, bored with him. He's significantly older than me (7 years). At the time I was 20 and he was 27. I was young, and really didn't understand that he had a little more experience with things. So it always led to arguments. More arguments. He also has mental issues and has been diagnosed with ADHD and Chronic Depression, so it was pretty chaotic.
Things were rough afterward. We smoked marijuana on occasion when a friend of ours came over and one Monday night we decided to chill out with her. The next day we went into work and we were called aside a little before lunch. They explained to us that somebody claimed that they smelled weed on us on Sunday. I kept trying to figure out how we would have smelled like it on Sunday if we smoked Monday and hadn't smoked for months before that. They took us to be drug tested immediately. Somehow, I came out clean, and he was dirty. He lost his job, and I was able to keep mine. This also put a large strain on our relationship. I didn't realize the pattern then, but he had already been in and out of relationships and work. We lived with his mother, so we didn't have to pay rent, so I brought in the money for us. I started to get into cash advances and if you've ever gotten one, I'm sure you know the cycle that begins. Every paycheck I was paying $550 and getting $500. I also had about 3-4 credit cards summing up to well over $4000, and I wasn't paying any of it. Or my loans from school. And he still didn't have a job. So every month he would have a new excuse as to what his new plans were. He likes to put all of his eggs in one basket, like me. I partied with some friends of mine, and then ended up cheating on him with a girl I knew. Told him 3 months later, and he blew up at me.
I made friends with another girl at work, and we were like sisters. She confided secrets with me and I with her. I told her about my rocky relationship with my boyfriend and she told me I needed to get out of it. She was right at the time. He wasn't doing anything with his life, 28, no license, no job, never helped with the house. Always held the fact that I cheated on him and he stayed over my head. I decided I was better than that, and could do better than that and left him and moved back in with my parents. Breaking up with him was hard and on top of it, somehow I picked the day his dog dies. I can't explain all the emotions that went around that day. But my friend was there for me. What I didn't realize was my new girl friend was just as manipulative as he was, if not more so.
As our friendship progressed, we ended up convincing my parents to let her move in as well. My dad agreed, but said our rule was to be home after work and we had to do the Dave Ramsey budgeting class. Things were getting better. My parents both said that they felt it was their fault I didn't know how to handle my money, and they wanted to help me. My dad helped me pay off my cash advance and made me promise I would never get one again. I never have and NEVER will. I will find some other means to get money, but never again a cash advance. It's a rip-off, and all they do is make money off of poor people. With the new budgeting information and sheet I had to fill out every other week, I started saving money. I actually paid off 2 of my credit cards and got my student loan out of default. Which was awesome.
Things went well for a while. I ended up getting health insurance at work that covered behavioral health and found a new psychiatrist that a friend of mine referred me too. She was also on Adderall and said if I had a history of ADD/ADHD to see her. So I got my medical records from my old pediatrician and went. I had my first appointment, and realized it seemed a little too easy. With her thick Indian accent she would ask me "Are di medications working for you?" Yep. "Ok, I write same." Okie dokie.
I loved life all over again. My friend suddenly shut me out. She would put her headphones on in the morning and wouldn't say a word to me all the way to work. I understand now that she is a sociopath (I'm not kidding) because again, I didn't see the pattern at the time, but she was using me. I was happy that she helped me get out of my crappy relationship, but after things went downhill with her, I was lonely. It was me and her all the time, so I quit hanging out with any of my old friends. I had nobody all over again.
Of course, what do I do but call my ex back up. I find out he has a job and has his license. I realize his life is getting back together and I thought mine was as well so we ended up hooking back up. Things were going ok for a little while until I decided I really wasn't interested as I thought I was. It only took 4 months this time. The time before that it was almost a year and a half. He was still manipulating, and still held things over my head and I couldn't find any arguments against anything he said. I was even more terrified of breaking up with him. I met another guy at work that never had a girlfriend before. He was freaking adorable. I started talking to him more and more until I realized I still needed to break up with boyfriend number 1. The second break-up was worse than the first with him running after me calling me four letter words as I sped away with my emergency break still on.
The new boyfriend was great. He was mentally stable for the most part, and he knew how to handle his money. There were many things we didn't have in common (especially the two qualities I named), but he seemed to be able to handle me and my craziness at least for a while. And because he never had a girlfriend, everything was new, exciting, and romantic. For the most part. There were problems also because he really didn't know how to express his feelings toward me. He liked to take things slow, which was fine with me because boyfriend number 1 and I just kind of jumped into things right from the start. It was refreshing to have somebody different.
I was with him for 2 years. He taught me a lot about responsibility and love, as well as a whole new group of friends. They were a bunch of guys that had all knew each other from high school, and being the small town that it was, everybody knew everyone in the area. I was falling deep for him. A little too deep. And because of my passion, he shut his down. There were so many arguments about how I felt he wasn't very passionate about anything except being a viking (he is extremely into the old Norse culture) and beer. Very typical guy. Which again, was nice at times because boyfriend number 1 has an extreme feminine side when it comes to emotions. This one liked to hide his emotions and not find a good balance. I ended up breaking up with him because I couldn't handle it anymore. I wanted passion; I wanted him to care about things.
Let me back up for a minute. I lost my job about a month after being with him. I moved up quite a bit at the company, ended up being a case manager, and LOVED my job...But I decided staying at his house and hanging out with my new friends was more important than a job. I already had a bad attendance problem and they let it slide for 3 years until they started needing to cut people. And of course, they cut people that were being paid the most and could find a good reason to fire them. There were over 200 lay-offs/let-go's. Of course when I lost my job, I lost my insurance, which meant I lost my Adderall. Honestly, it's not like it was helping anyway. I ended up getting a job at a local printing company as accounts receivable, moved up to customer service rep, and was promptly laid off after 5 months. I was told they couldn't afford me anymore, and they actually recommended that I get unemployment. I've been told by multiple people that they're not really allowed to tell you to do that, but I did, of course. And was approved, not for them, because I wasn't there long enough, but for the call center, somehow...My guess was that they didn't want to have to argue with why they were firing so many people so they just let it go. I lived off unemployment for a year. Within that year, I was living at my parents at first, and of course because I didn't have a job and was partying all the time, things were very tense at the house. I took it upon myself and moved in with one of his friends. His friend's brother was in prison at the time, so he was taking care of his house for him and had an extra room. It was nice living there. We had a bachelor pad working, basically. The guys would come over at night and we'd play poker/Risk/drinking games until the sun came up...
So, about a week after breaking up with boyfriend number 2, we got back together. Mainly because we still hung out with each other (and I was still sleeping with him) and all my friends were his friends. We stayed together until about the time I had to move out of his friend's house because the brother was coming home from prison. Within the time I was living there, I had got a job at a local grocery store and was doing pretty well. He (boyfriend number 2) wasn't. He had lost his job and was living off unemployment like I had been, and I think he was just done with everything.
I started talking again to an old friend I had met when I was going to church in high school. She asked the youth pastor if there were any young girls that she could mentor and he pointed me out. She was awesome. Being only 11 years older than me, she introduced me to acting, encouraging me to play my guitar and sing, awesome music (Mostly industrial-techno), and just being a strong person. She has two genetic disorders, and both are extremely fatal. She really helped me a lot when I was younger, but we had a falling out during the years of my party days (disagreement with boyfriend number 1 as well) and we just didn't talk. For some reason, she was trying to get a hold of me around the time I had to find a place to live, and said I could live there with her and her husband to get my money saved and my life back on track. Unfortunately, I was still working 45 minutes away, so the job was barely paying for the gas. On top of everything, I don't know if you've ever had a friend that has a fatal illness, but it's honestly hard. In high school, she wasn't doing too badly, and being an actress, she knew how to put the mask on when she was in pain. Now, as a (somewhat) adult, I see past her mask, and it's hard to see her like that. I started having a rough time living there, and decided it would make more sense to move somewhere closer. So I did. We didn't talk for a while after that, because she was upset that I didn't try to find a different job closer to her, but I did what I felt was necessary.
The place I moved to after that was another friend of mine that owned his house and rented out his rooms to different people. In the past 5 years he's had a lot of people move in and out, so it wouldn't be a big deal if I moved in and decided to leave at any point. I was kind of stuck in a rut at this point. I started smoking pot again, daily. I was most definitely a "pot head". The whole house really was. I went to my part time job at the grocery store, and smoked my weed. I was comfortable. One day a couple that the guy I was living with was friends with invited me up to their house in Georgia. I took a couple of my friends along with me and we had a party up there. It was super awesome. Well, as we were drunk and stoned out of our minds, I was asked if I wanted to move in with them in Georgia. They said I wouldn't have to pay rent as long as I was cleaning the house and actively looking for a job. Of course I said yes.
About that time, I found out I was losing my unemployment anyway (I was getting a partial for having a part time job), I wouldn't have been able to afford the rent that month anyway. So I packed my things, quit my job, and moved 6 hours away. It wasn't bad at first, but things got hairy when I couldn't find a job. I looked everywhere that summer. I put in well over 20-30 applications, but I guess it wasn't enough. I ran out of money and cigarettes (I only smoke cloves, and I couldn't find them for less than 7 dollars a pack. When you don't have money, you learn to not be picky) and I just couldn't handle living there anymore. There's so much to why, but I don't feel like going into details.
I started talking to boyfriend number 1 again. I had started talking to him a little before I had moved to Georgia, but we decided we would just stay acquainted and sleep with each other sometimes. When things started looking rough in Georgia, I had been talking to him for a while, and had an idea I could move back in with him...I didn't want to bring it up. Yes, he was manipulative, and quite a jerk at the time we broke up, but I really broke his heart. I'm not going to sit and make excuses for him, but over the phone, we just started connecting again. He was also going back to college, and made it seem like he really had his life together...maybe a little more than it was. He ended up bringing out the subject of moving in with him, so I moved back to Florida and in with him again.
Over the next couple of weeks, I started going over to my sick friend's house again to help her while her husband was out of town. She helped with cigarettes and gas, so I had no need to cover over there. We (boyfriend number 1 and I) started talking more and more over the phone while I was over there. We both confessed our true love for each other and started dating again as of September of last year. I had finally found a job in November working at a snake breeding company cleaning out cages, and lost it 3 weeks later because I wasn't fast enough for her. I'm never fast enough at any job. Except the call center job, but even then I was having problems. It was extremely heart breaking to finally have a job and lose it within the same month.
Because of loan/grant money, we were doing ok. I started to clean up the house as well. My boyfriend's mom lost her husband about 4 years ago, and ever since then, she just let her house go. And I mean, go. I don't think she's cleaned anything out since he passed. Boyfriend number 1 apparently took after his mother and also did not touch anything when I left. When I moved in here I swear every dish was in the sink and on the counters. There was food in bowls molded over, trash everywhere, and roaches. (*throws up a little*) It was bad when I left it. It was worse when I came back. He said every time he would try to clean (we are/were both messy people) he would run into a time bomb and freak out. There were alcohol bottles everywhere in his room, dirty clothes piled up...I've lived in filth, but I wasn't putting up with it. We've gotten most everything clean since then, but the kitchen went right back after a couple months. After I lost my job this time, I decided I wouldn't just lie around the house and do nothing. I figured the least I could do is pick up what I can. But finding the motivation to do stuff like that...meh. I get up, look around, write a list, get distracted, forget what I was doing, not care, and start the whole process over again.
He was doing his college online, and we were spending his money. Unfortunately, I didn't know he wasn't actually doing the work. We were having too much fun spending $4000 and not paying attention to anything. It was like a repeat...When I found out he wasn't doing his work, I was very upset. He still tries to hold over my head about all the money we spent, but we spent it, and he understands that. We had put back 1000 so he could try school again, but because neither of us have any income besides the money his mom gives us every 2 weeks and my food stamps, we had to eventually dip into it. I needed money to get my back fixed (yay back problems) and figured I could set up an appointment at my old psych doctor's office.
So about a week ago, I got prescribed my Adderall again. I am determined this time to not mess it up. So far, I've been making calls, and I'm working on getting into an IT program at the workforce. I'm not sure if it has job placement, but it's free so I'm going to try. If that doesn't work out, I turn 24 in March, so I will eligible for the pell grant. I'm pretty definite about going back to school, but there's a lot of work in between that needs to be done. (Taxes, fafsa, talking with financial aid, etc). The other problem is I don't know what to go back for. I'm thinking about just taking my core classes I took before, and since I'll be a full time student, maybe I'll be able to focus. Also, I found a clinical trial group in Gainesville, and I was thinking that after the month is over, if I can't handle the Adderall still, I'm going to go there. It's free as well, so that would help.
There's just so much...So much I left out, and so much I've already said. My head hurts, and I think I'm just going to spell check this and post it. I don't even think I can read it over first without feeling over-whelmed. I appreciate if you read this entire thing. I'm also sorry if I went off subject too much or didn't explain things well. I wanted to keep names out of it, not place names entirely, just names of people. At this point in my life, I think it's going to take more than just Adderall to get things rolling.
Maybe you understand, maybe you don't. I don't even understand everything that's happened, I just know it's been a long battle and I'm really ready to do something with it.
I'm done.
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