I went back to the psychiatrist.  I got back on my adderall, and he put me on Topamax instead of lamictal.  I tried to see if he would put me back on the klonopin as well, but he didn't really seem to think the anxiety needed to be addressed...  Now, a month later things are falling farther apart...  I'm going to call them tomorrow and see if there's either any way I can see somebody extremely soon, or I'm just going to stop taking all my prescriptions until I can see somebody.  I'm going to hold on to my adderall...It does help me when I need it.  It does help me clean the house, get motivated, actually want to do things.  It also makes me snappy and pissy as hell...Idk what the fuck I'm going to do. =(

0 Bitter.

I'm really wondering if there's honestly nothing wrong with me and I'm blowing things out of proportion.  I fucking frustrated.  I'm bitter about everything, and everything even the slightest bit of offensive to me is making me mad.  I don't have real opinions about anything, just regurgitated feelings from what I was taught as a kid.  The CRAZY part is, most of those things are everything I was against as a teenager.  And then there's everything I'm still against.  It's like...a conundrum.  I typed a bunch of shit and erased it.  I decided I don't care about these opinions of others on things that I don't care about.  I think I'm pretty ignorant.  I don't know how to feel about things.  I feel like a teenager trapped inside the life of a god damn adult, and I'd really just like to not be grounded any more and go hang out with my friends.  HA!  Friends.  After high school, you realize that what friends you have are merely nice acquaintances.  It was convenient to be friends because we were all at the same school and had things in common.  Then after you graduate, you find out that the things that matter the most to you, you don't have in common with that person so see-you-later-alligator.  I just want whatever's wrong with my FUCKING brain to stop.  I'm sick of snapping at Jessy all the time over petty things.  I just want to be happy.  I just want to enjoy life, care about myself.  At the moment, I could give a fuck less about my well-being.  It's not that I want to die, by any means.  I still shower, get myself up in the morning.  I'm still doing some of the dishes, I wiped down the counter the other day.  But this table next to me is pretty rough.  The living room, also rough.  Bedroom is a mass of clothes strewn across the floor.  My life is falling apart.  I just want a friend to come over and help me figure this out.  I know it's a little much to ask for, I should be a big girl and clean my OWN FUCKING HOUSE, but I'm just having the hardest fucking time.  

In some coherent irl news to the random googlers that come across this blog:  I'm getting my license address fixed next week which might help me get help...I'm going to try to get help from this hospital place that provided healthcare for people that are ineligible for medicaid, but can't afford it on their own. =(  I just want mental help.  I'm sick of going insane.

0 I don't want me either.

It's a downward spiral.  I want to do something about it all but I'm tired, I don't have the time.  I could find the time, but what about the energy?  I'm actually questioning my existence.  I'm always just going to be some fucked up person that doesn't do anything for herself.  I'm a mess, I procrastinate everything, I barely accomplish anything.  And now my leg is messed up so it's too hard to even get up and do shit for too long before I'm so tired I just need to sit down.  My weight just keeps going up, my boyfriend is definitely losing interest in me.  I don't fucking blame him anymore.  I don't want me either.  And it gets to this point with EVERY o33ne of them.  Every significant other I've had...Just not enough.  He wants the best for me though...He wants me to stay on track with things, do what's right for myself.  I just don't do it.  I never do it.  I don't know if I'm even capable of doing it.  I'm doing better in school, caught up with things.  Grades are alright.  I quit playing so many games online.  League of legends has took a back burner to minecraft which I've become less interested in.  Because I have no motivation.  I have no will to say "I'm going to do this today.  I know I can."  Because, I've said it too much before, and realize it's all a lie.  I make lists of shit I need to do, just to find them months later realizing I just made the SAME GOD DAMN LIST 5 MINUTES AGO.  The same one.

I don't blame him.  I don't blame him if he doesn't want me.  Move all the way from Ohio just to find out I'm a slobby fat piece of shit that doesn't care about herself.  He thought I had a drive.  He thought that because I was in school going for something I wanted to do, that I had the motivation to do it.  Maybe that's his fault for assuming he knew me based on that, but I really was fucking trying.  And am now, but NOW that I'm working on school extra hard EVERYTHING ELSE FALLS APART,  WHY can't I have some sort of balance?  I'm such a fucking miserable human being, I swear.  I thought him getting this job would be better for both of us, and so far I don't know if I was right...It looks to be about the same, but now I don't have the alone time to clean the house.  But I do!  I do in the morning, but I forget, or I'm trying to wake up, so I'm wrapped up in my blanket drinking my coffee surfing imgur, or reading facebook.  I really can't blame him for not being interested in me anymore.  I'm a fucking crazy mess and...I don't know what I would do with out him...I don't have a strong enough job to support me living by myself, I'm not moving back with my parents...I'm so afraid he's going to leave me.  =(  I don't want him to leave...I love him. I'd say I wish he knew how much, but I don't know if he cares...He doesn't care much about anything anymore...I don't know how we're going to make it for the rest of our lives...I don't think he can really stand me..I sure as fuck can't stand me.

0 It's been a while again.

I just feel like I need to type, to get some feelings out or something. I've been going through weird fits. Last night was bad, and it's like it goes in cycles. Some days I feel normal. What is normal? Normal is not feeling agitated. Normal is when I'm not feeling insane. This week I'm feeling a little insane. It could be from quitting smoking, but for some reason I doubt that because I'm still in-taking nicotine. I have average days when I don't feel like being at work, even though I love my job. I have average days when I'm a little pissed off at things that are bothering me. Yesterday was not normal, nor was it even a bit in my average. I threw things around, yelled at my boyfriend, then threw myself in the bed while sobbing...Because I couldn't find something. It's irrational. Today, I don't want to be here. I want to go home and get distracted on the internet, do something that keeps my mind off whatever it is my mind is doing. I don't want to do homework. I don't want to clean the house. I don't want to go anywhere. I say I want to go places like visiting my mom and I still sometimes write out plans of what I want to accomplish (cleaning, homework). But really deep down inside, if I could just do nothing and be satisfied I'd do it. In this weird way, it's like I wouldn't mind being dead right now, but it would suck when I decide that being dead is boring and it's time to do something different, oh hey wait I'm dead. So, nah, dying isn't an option. But I don't know what it is. Everything in me is pissed off at everything. I want to be left alone, but I don't want to be alone. Why am I so mad at everything? Why can't I just feel happy and focused? I'm not focused, I'm distracted. On everything and nothing. I don't want to do anything, but I need to do something. =(

0 Day 4

I know you're thinking "Where's the first 3 days?!"... Well...you already know. I forgot. And actually decided to do this as an after thought.

1 A reply...

A friend of mine has been trying to hang out with me for about a month now. This was my sad excuse as to why I haven't:

0 and whispers hopes of better tomorrows

I feel pretty horrible for not updating like I was supposed to. This is not unusual for me. Right now, I feel so scatter brained it's not even funny. There's so much I want to do, but I have this weird...I don't know how to explain it. It's not like a lack of motivation, per se, but just this weird overwhelming feeling of how am I going to get all of this done.